8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Husband

One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don’t watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not helpful––ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husband’s feelings and your relationship. According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author of Every Day Love, “Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels battered by life and the outside world. You shouldn’t feel that way at home.” Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant other––and the words that you should try instead.

1. “You’re just like your father.

“This is just a no-no,” says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of The Pathway to Love. “It’s nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.” If you’re about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what’s behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: “Hon, when you’re done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink?” That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process
2. “When are you going to find a new job?”

First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? “Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are,” says Ford. Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: “Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family,” says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue with how much money he’s making, “it’s an opportunity to talk about your lifestyle and how you want to live,” she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want. Photo: Shutterstock

3. “My mother warned me you’d do this!”

Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you’re doing here is letting him know that there are others in your “camp.” “You are trying to validate your ‘side’ of an argument, as though you’re marshalling an army to your side,” says Orlov. But that’s never a good idea because it’s telling him that you’re not on his side, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions of others’ dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. “Maybe your mother said ‘he’s too cheap,’” says Orlov. “Say to him, ‘why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?’” Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from his childhood, for example. “Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving,” says Orlov. And if you’re just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what’s making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than unleashing hurtful words. Photo: Shutterstock


4. “Just leave it––I’ll do it myself!

This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband’s elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it’s just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, “I can never do anything right or anything that’ll please her,” says Ford. A better choice is to pick your battles. If he’s in the middle of a task and you think that he’s doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because he’s doing something differently than you would doesn’t mean that he’s doing it wrong—he is, after all, an adult too. Sure, if he’s about to hurt himself or someone else or break something, kindly step in. But if he’s just loading the dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be. Photo: Thinkstock

5. “You always... [fill in the blank]” or “You never... [fill in the blank]”

“These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,” says Ford, “because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive.” These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he’ll just fire back with all the times he did help. If there are legitimate problems you’d like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: “When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is usually me.” Then add the phrase “would you be willing...,” suggests Ford. Try: “Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank?” Most men are willing to do most anything that’ll make you happy––it’s all in how you ask. Photo: Shutterstock

6. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”

Are you trying to hint that he’s putting on weight? Because saying the above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that you’re subtly conveying the message, but instead you’re insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: “When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes.” Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it’s about his health, not looks: “Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks?” When you’ve softened up your approach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions. Photo: Thinkstock

7. “Ugh, we’re hanging out with him again?

There’s nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you don’t love—no one says spouses are required to adore each other’s friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house. What is wrong is insulting your man’s choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that you’d prefer to pick his friends for him—and no one wants to be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: “Oh, honey, you know I don’t always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don’t you plan a guys’ night instead?’” suggests Ford. Remember, there’s no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if you’re having fun or are offended by his friend’s jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.) Photo: Paul Bradbury / Getty Images

8. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that...”

This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you’re in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). It’s also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you’ve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn’t pitch in, but you don’t always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. “If he always feels like he’s wrong, he’ll only start to disconnect emotionally.” So let Dad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe and fed—even if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the stroller or what the pediatrician’s phone number is, definitely give him the rundown. Photo: Shutterstock

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Five Android smartphones you should avoid buying

Not all Android smartphones are created equal. Unlike the iPhone, which is generally updated by Apple once a year, there are literally dozens of smartphone models on the market powered by Google’s mobile operating software.
While there are a handful of fan favorites like the Nexus S 4G and Motorola Atrix, there are also plenty of dogs that suffer from poor performance issues, weak batteries, and stupidly unnecessary features. Based on input from our readers, personal experience and poor reviews, we detail here five Android phones you should avoid buying.

Huawei m835 Ideos

Sometimes you get what you pay for, which is the case with this Metro PCS-branded Android smartphone. While we love the fact that Android phones can now be purchased without a contract for less than $100, the tiny screen size, spotty performance and poor battery life of the Huawei Ideos makes it an inferior device than even most feature phones. The appeal of its compact dimensions (4.1 inches tall and 2.2 inches wide) are overshadowed by a 2.8-inch touchscreen that makes typing and navigating through websites and applications awkward at best. This problem is amplified when you consider that most prospective users of this “starter Android phone” haven’t owned a smartphone before. There are certainly smarter ways to try out an Android.

Garminfone

Releasing a phone based on state-of-the-art navigation technology was a good idea at first. But Garmin’s first (and only) entry into the crowded Android device market suffered from poor sales and a generally directionless marketing approach. The idea was to bring Garmin’s expertise at GPS satellite navigation into a smartphone. The trouble is, most regular Android smartphones include Google Maps already installed. For the vast majority of consumers, that app and the hundreds of other navigation-oriented Android apps produced by independent developers is all that will ever be needed. While there is no denying that the Garminfone works well as a standalone GPS device, for those wanting a true Android smartphone experience, it certainly doesn’t cut the mustard. As Google Maps now works offline too, which was one of the Garminfone’s original advantages, the device is becoming even more obsolete.

Dell Streak

Is it a phone? Is it a tablet? The Dell Streak somehow combines the worst qualities of each. What’s the point of having a portable device that places phone calls but doesn’t comfortably fit in your pocket? In terms of computing, the comparatively small Dell Streak is clearly inferior to the iPad and other tablet offerings. But don’t just take our word for it. Wall Street Journal tech guru Walt Mossberg listed the Streak as one of the worst devices he reviewed in 2010. Android software updates to the Streak have made it a more usable device than when Mossberg published his original review. However, not even the most advanced mobile operating system in the world can make up for the Streak’s clumsy form factor.

Motorola Citrus

Verizon subscribers have a serious beef with the Motorola Citrus, which has an average two-and-a-half star rating (out of five) based on 392 reviews. Among its drawbacks are a slow web browser that is difficult to read text on because of the small screen size. Many users complain about constantly having to manipulate the screen size in order to read text. The Citrus is also known to revert to Airplane Mode by itself and freeze without warning. For search and navigation, the Citrus pushes users to pre-installed Bing applications rather than providing easy access to Google and other applications. While it is common for smartphones to include this kind of "bloatware" upon purchase, for tasks as essential as search and navigation users should be free to make their own choices. There may be worse Android smartphones available, but Verizon subscribers who insist on buying a Motorola phone are better off paying for the superior Droid models. The Citrus is free to purchase with a two-year contract and readily available. But you’re still going to pay thousands of dollars for the duration of your deal, so it’s better to pony up earlier for a superior phone and let this lemon spoil.

HTC Thunderbolt

OK, before you start with the angry emails for including this one, hear us out. The Thunderbolt is a great device with plenty of power. It has been well reviewed, sold well, and offers the advantage of blazing-fast connectivity on Verizon’s 4G network. But -- and we’re certainly not the only ones to point this out -- the Thunderbolt has been beset with quirks and problems since its launch. Randy Arrowood, from enthusiast blog Android Headlines, even went so far as to put it at number one in his Top 10 Android Phone Letdowns of 2011. Arrowood cited issues when transferring from a 4G to 3G network, constant restarts, and the most common issue of all: horrendous battery life. For sure, the Thunderbolt (and many others like it) are great devices with loads of style and power. But if you need an extra battery just to see you through the afternoon, or can’t use the phone to its utmost potential because of a lack of juice, then what’s the point of having all those features?


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5 Bills NOT to Automate

Service providers are happy to give you the "convenience" of automated payments — primarily because it lets them reach into your wallet each and every month. But although autopay can be a valuable financial tool for some bills and expenses, for other types of payments, you may be setting yourself up for all-too-frequent fee hikes, surprise costs, and payments for services you never even use.
Those unexpected costs can hit you with a double whammy, says Jean Ann Fox, director of consumer protection for the Consumer Federation of America. In addition to the extra costs themselves, surprise fee hikes can bleed your account balance dry, she says — and "if you run low in your checking account, you can easily overdraw your account and rack up $35 overdraft fees."
Here are five fees to drop from your automated payment list today.
Mobile Phone Bills
Perhaps the only thing more exasperating than getting your usual sky-high smartphone bill is getting a bill that's even higher than you expect after you've exceeded your plan's texting, phone, or data limits. "If you've got kids, you've got to be paying particular attention to your bills. Oftentimes, they'll download 'free' ringtones that have monthly subscription fees buried in the terms and conditions," says Kathy Kristof, MoneyWatch columnist and author of Investing 101. "If you've automated that expense, you might not notice the charges for months."
"In-app" purchases — such as a game's additional levels, premium features, or virtual goods — also can easily add hundreds of dollars to a monthly bill.
Insurance Payments
Aggressive advertising from insurance companies has conditioned people to look for the very best prices on home and auto insurance. And you can get great deals — for a while. "I call them ungrateful service providers," says Brian Preston, wealth manager at Preston and Cleveland in McDonough, Ga., and host of the Money Guy podcast. "They give great rates to brand-new customers, but then they'll have premium creep over the years, because they hope you're not paying attention." Keep them honest by shopping the rates every year or two.
Utilities
Sitting down to pay water, electric, and heating bills may seem like an onerous chore, but those bills may be the first tipoff that something's out of whack. "If the electric bill is high, maybe it means the refrigerator in the garage has its door open," Kristof says. Big bills will encourage you to investigate problems early.
Gym Memberships
According to a study done by Stanford and Berkeley researchers, most people dramatically overestimate the number of times they go to the gym each month — in essence paying $17 a visit with a monthly fee. "One technique you can use to save money is to pay a la carte," says Ramit Sethi, author of the blog and book I Will Teach You to Be Rich. "It sounds crazy to buy a day pass each time you go, but that may actually save you money."
Other options include buying packages of passes (often found at climbing gyms and yoga studios) or using smartphone apps to support your (free) workout. The free Adidas miCoach app, for example, tracks the distance and speed of your runs while piping helpful coaching advice into your earbuds.
Cable Bills
Cable used to have a lock on the best programming, but that's changing quickly. Instead of shelling out three figures every month to get your weekly Mad Men fix, consider individual purchases from iTunes or Amazon. "When you're forced to experience the pain of paying each time you purchase a show, you might decide you don't actually want it," says Sethi. "It can also get people out of the house and off the TV."
Still want your TV and movie fix? You can add top-flight movies streamed over your internet connection from Netflix for a more reasonable cost of $8 a month and many past and current TV shows from Hulu Plus for $8 a month.

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